Have you ever felt like your world is crashing down, but in reality it’s not. Have you ever felt like you’re having the worst day of your life, when in reality you aren’t. Have you ever felt like you’re all alone in this world, when in reality you have all the support and love you need. I have been feeling like this many times the past few days and I wonder and I wonder, why am I allowing myself to go down this road. Why am I not able to stop myself when I am going down this slippery slope. I know, it isn’t true but thoughts sometimes have the power to take you to places, dark places where you don’t really need to go. And so today, as I was extremely irritated, extremely angry, at no one in particular, just life in general, just me and how I have been the past many years, or maybe I am angry at myself for being a certain way until now. I was questioning everything, good, bad, and ugly. Miss Light, why did you do this? Why did you not listen to your heart? Miss Light, what were you thinking? And as I entered my car in this irritable state, I misplaced something, it fell under my seat, and again I said to myself, what a fucked up day and just in that moment, I knew I had to snap out of it. I had to snap out of this negative spiral or trip I have been on the whole morning.
Was it the alcohol? Did I just wake up from the wrong side of the bed? What is it that is waiting to explode? And so I took a deep breath and I did it again and again and I sang. I sang to my hearts content in a closed car. And I soon realised life isn’t so bad after all. My thoughts are playing games with me.
When I stepped out and had a few conversations, I realised there is a lot to be thankful for amidst the inner turmoil I am facing these days. I realised the minute I want to control things, or have answers to every damn thing in my life, I am only making myself miserable. I seem to know all of it. So much awareness but sometimes I fail. I fail to see it or even if I do see it, I like to wallow in self pity for a short while, I like to be that victim, not for long but just for a short while. Who said I have to be the perfect person who has figured out every ounce of life? Who said just because I am on a spiritual path I can’t be angry, or irritated? But I tend to be hard on myself. I tend to have undue expectations from myself and when my self talk is sabotaging, I see how I can really mess with myself. And so I soon realise its not worth it. No matter what is happening on the outside, I have complete control of how much I want it to effect me on the inside. And if for a while, I want to feel anger, I feel it. If for a while, I want to be irritated, I be that. I try not to pass on the energy to people around me but sometimes I fail, and it’s okay. It’s all okay.
Maybe sometimes, all you need is to take a break, a break from the routine, a break from being perfect, a break from living a spiritual life, a break from expecting yourself to be a certain way, and just be. Be who you want to be, how you want to be, without judging yourself for being too much of anything. And even if you’re too much of something, forgive yourself. The key is to love yourself no matter what. Stand by yourself. Keep coming back to centre. Keep coming back to your practice. Keep coming back to loving every inch of you good or bad. Try. Fail. Try. Fail. Try. Fail. Restart.
Lots of love,
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