Today, as I finished my yoga class, I had an intense pain within me and as I went into child’s pose, I wanted to breakdown into tears but I held myself back. For many years, I lived alone and so as I lived alone the spaces around me would talk to me. I would make the couch my friend, or my little magnet, or my little soft toy, or my little pillow. Everyone became my friend . Today, after many years of being around too many people, I have got back my quiet space and so sometimes I feel like the spaces are talking to me. The empty spaces are talking to me, trying to tell me something but I am not listening.
The pain I felt yesterday hasn’t healed yet and so even though my day started off on a great note, I began to feel this pain, I needed to let it all out but I again held myself back. I started cleaning up. I thought cleaning up, emptying some boxes, getting the house in order will be good for me today. It will distract me from whatever I am feeling but what if I don’t do any of it. What if I just sit with this pain, dance with the pain, and allow it to flow through me and cry it out, get it all out and just move on with whatever I want to do.
I have reached a point in my life where I can differentiate between what thought are helping me and what aren’t and when I know a thought I am having is hurting me, I quickly change it. I tell myself, “This thought isn’t helping you Roshni, change it.” But then the pain keeps coming back. I wonder why do I feel so lonely on this journey? Is this how it’s supposed to be? I have everything and everyone around me but I still feel lonely at some level. I am not sure if this is how it’s going to be and I’ll have to learn to sail through it. Sail in the ocean of pain, if that even makes sense. Will the pain ever end? Maybe not.
When I look around, I notice people are going through way more than me. My pain is incomparable to what others are going through and so I tell myself to buck it up and move on. I soon realise thought that my old feelings of guilt, sadness, shame come, they want to take over my being but these low grade emotions have never helped me and so I realise it soon enough instead feel love and freedom. I tell myself my actions aren’t wrong. I was doing everything out of Love, that’s the only version of love I knew to give, to share, to care, to go all out. I don’t know any other version of Love. Do I love myself as much? Maybe not, but I am trying to each day, I love myself by being disciplined, by eating the right food (this is a big one for me), by taking care of my body, by smiling at myself, by patting myself on the back for every small achievement, by telling myself that all the small things I am doing will add up to something big some day, by meditating each morning, by sleeping on time, by slowing down to the rhythm of life, by releasing agendas about people, by creating a positive healing space within and around me, I am doing all of this and so much more. Working on myself, connecting with source, is something I am really doing these days but the pain never ends. The pain never ends. The only thing that’s changed is my way of dealing with it but this journey feels endless.
I could distract myself, get back to my old life, calling some random people, getting out of home, but no I won’t do that. I am going sit with this pain and deal with it, shoulder to shoulder, have a damn conversation with it and in the process tell myself that I love you, Miss Light. I really do. You’re awesome. You’re all you ever needed. You’re brave. You’re strong. You’re the brightest light. May you shine.
Jordan Peterson says, painful memories will keep coming back, there is no way around it. So instead of bringing it into your consciousness involuntarily, bring it voluntarily and deal with straight in the eye. Talk to it. Make a conversation with it and have a plan, he says. Have a plan on how you’re going to deal with it if it comes up again. There is no other way to deal with painful memories or emotions.
With love and gratitude,
Miss Light
Lightrosh 