Acknowledgement means acceptance of the truth or existence of something. Today, as I finished writing my blog, I had this deep need to feel acknowledged. As I woke up this morning, I was extremely tired. I had skipped dinner last night and so maybe I was hungry? Maybe, I hadn’t slept well enough but I still woke up to do my meditation and chanting and reading. The last few days I have been on the move and so my routine was a bit disrupted and so since I was back home I pushed myself to get out of bed. My husband woke up and usually, I greet him really well but today wasn’t a day like that. Today, I was grumpy, today, I needed to be loved. I had not much to give this morning and this feeling continued even as I finished my writing. And it made me wonder. Why this sudden need to feel acknowledged? Where is this stemming from? Do you feel you’re not loved, Miss Light? Have you faced abandonment issues that are still not healed in your life? Have you had to fend for yourself in your earlier years when maybe all you needed was some love? Have you always portrayed yourself to be so sorted, so strong, and so people always thought, you don’t need the acknowledgement or appreciation or love. Possibly, yes. And on most days I don’t need it. I do things with zero expectations. I do things because I love you. I do things because I love to give. But then I am human after all and so maybe, some days I am really yearning for that love. I am really yearning for someone to come hug me and tell me it’s all going to be okay. I am on the right path. But who is this person going to be? Maybe, me myself. I have to bring out the courage here again. God has really got me messed up sometimes that even though I feel really close to him, I feel so distant from everyone else on planet earth. Even though I feel so connected and full of kindness and full of love on most days, on some days I feel like one lonely soul trying to figure out life for herself. The need to feel acknowledged is real. The need to feel heard is real. But I wait. and I wait. And I wait. Patience to be healed completely from all these false identities I have made up for myself. Trying to peel away every little layer and as I do this, it hurts, I cry, I scream but then it’s all part of the process. Who is listening to these inner voices screaming inside of me anyway? Just me, maybe. It’s all part of my healing, I tell myself. I am healing myself one day at a time. Some days are just worse than others. As I kept thinking more about feeling acknowledged, I feel like I have given so much to a few people in my life, like my whole being, put my life on stand still for them but these people have long forgotten it. They don’t even see it and this hurts so much because I wonder why do I go all out? Why do I give so much to these people? They don’t even notice. They don’t even stop to acknowledge. But then am I doing all of this for some sort of acknowledgement? or Am I doing it for myself? or Am I doing it to feel a certain way? I don’t know. I really don’t know where this is coming from. Why am I so wired to give so much and later realise it was all pointless. It was all not worth it. So much energy, so much thought, so much love, for what? All these people seem to be doing things for themselves. They do think of me once in a way I hope but mostly everyone is living in their own little bubble and when I cross lines, when I go all out, when I give so much, it hurts so bad to not be acknowledged. I feel like I am hitting against a wall and how long will I hit against this wall? Will this wall ever break? Maybe I am hoping it will. But maybe it won’t and so I need to wake up. Wake up, Miss Light. There is no one on the other side. Stop giving so much without giving to yourself. You will die one day. But then I have so much to offer that if I don’t offer I feel stuck. I feel stagnant. I feel like life is so meaningless. I am waiting to reach a state where I can give, give so much, without feeling drained out, without feeling like I am not enough. I want to come from a place of wholeness and completeness, where I don’t need anyone or anything to come save me, come rescue me, come tell me how much they love me or appreciate my work. I am getting there. It’s taking some time. But I am being patient as I purge through all these old patterns and find the new way forward.
I also realised that since I know how it feels to not be acknowledged or not be appreciated. I never let anyone feel that what they made, or wrote is not being read. When I receive a message, I acknowledge. When I receive a gift, I send a thank you note. When I see someone has zero likes on their post, I go like it or I leave a comment. I don’t just let it go. These are small things but these things matter a lot and most people who have made it big don’t realise this or they have forgotten that they also were that person who wanted to feel loved and appreciated when they were starting off. People forget. People don’t think its necessary and I find it unthoughtful. But maybe, thats just me.
Lots of Love,
Miss Light
Lightrosh 