Yesterday, I completed a long meditation by my teacher called, The Totality of Experience. You can find it on his youtube channel. The meditation went quite deep for me but I am not sure I understood all the parts. My teacher said, you don’t have to understand everything I say, whatever needs to be done is being done at a very deep level, beyond your knowing or not knowing. Trusting every word my teacher says has become the norm for me. It’s like I trust him at my core not knowing if I am doing the right thing or wrong thing. As I trust him, I feel like I trust my inner knowing more. My inner self becomes more clear and more understood. How is this even possible? I am not sure and I am not even going to try and understand this. Sometimes understanding everything is making me really wonder if it’s really necessary. Why not just go with the flow? Follow your heart and see where you land. You could land in the sea, land on ground, or land in the middle of no where, who is to say? But I am ever ready these days. The “bring it on attitude” of life keeps me on my toes. Ready to deep dive not knowing where, what, how, and when? A few months ago, I thought I had lost my innocence. Someone took it away, who took it away? The fine, cute, sweet, innocent girl that I was was turning into a rebel, a real rebel. Was I always a rebel? Maybe I was but I lost that side of me over the years and then when I lost my innocence, I found this rebel side in me again. It was just what I needed, so invigorating to be that rebel again. To finally have my voice back, to finally fight for what I truly want, willing to give it all up to find myself again. And I did, I found myself in the hardest way possible. I found myself in the tears, in the darkness, in the grief, in the shame, in the joy, in the anger. I found myself in the mess. I so badly wanted to cling on, but I had to let go. I so badly wanted somebody to lean on, but I had to give it all up. I wasn’t given a choice. The words that I would hear in my heart was Now or Never. Do or Die. Did I find back my innocence after all these months or Did I lose it forever? Recently, my teacher said, you will lose and gain back your innocence multiple times in your life and so I think I lost it for a while but I am getting it back again, slowly. It’s all coming back now. My child like nature, my tendency to get irritated for the smallest of things, my dream like states, my joy, it’s all coming back. I call it, “The return to innocence.” Remember the song by Enigma? One of my favorite tracks from the old days. Yesterday, my teacher said, you’re innocent, your thoughts are innocent, your love is innocent, your tears are innocent, your joy is innocent, your sadness is innocent, your anger, your irritation, your tendency to go all in, everything is innocent. (I added some bits myself here 😉 ) But when he said it, there was a sigh of relief. Like, phew! Thank God, he said that. I was screaming to myself, Miss Light, you’re innocent. Stop beating yourself up. Stop judging your actions. Stop judging every damn thing about you. You’re innocent. Not some parts of you. All of you is innocent. I am an innocent child of the universe.
Dear God, I am your most innocent child. I am your most innocent, cute, adorable child. I will always be this. I am this.
With love & gratitude,
Today, I will reveal my real name. My name is Roshni. I was born on the festival of lights, Diwali and so my parents decided to name me Roshni. Roshni means Light. Roshni means Brightness. Roshni means The brightest of Light in your inner being.
May you also find your inner light like I have. May you also realise that you are the light. You are the source of your light. You are the start and end of your light.
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